Have you ever felt like crying to the point your eyes and face would feel like you would cry tears of blood if you didn't? But your pride suffocates your tears and drags them down into a deep dark place no one can ever see...
Another emotional day, another day of wrestling with self destruction and self exploitation. All in a day's work I guess you could say. Some of the youngsters in my summer school class I have gotten to know got together. It's cavity sweet, but I still have to be a cold hearted bitch and turn my nose in the air to it in disgust. Because of jealousy though. The green monster has found me again and it's had a permanant place in my conscieousness for a couple of weeks now, ever since the trip to Magic Mountain I suppose. Seeing all those couples everywhere, and knowing I wasn't a part of one, was like a railroad spike through an already broken heart. I probablly have nothing to complain about, being there with Chris and Natalie was fun - infact it was the best time I've had in forever and we had the fucking funniest little inside jokes. But the fact is, I wasn't with a boyfriend. I wasn't with someone I could hold hands with or kiss every once in a while and make others like myself - uncomfortable. I couldn't delight in the fact I had someone to grab onto if I was scared shitless of something. There wasn't someone I could sneak off into the bathroom with and enjoy some rather dirty fellatio with. I'm sure Natalie and Chris felt the same way, they would have much rather been with someone they had feelings for, rather than be dragged about by a cousin or a friend. If not, they are much better people than I can ever hope to be.
Been reading Zen and The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance again. I wish I could associate all these principles into my life, but I can't say I'd find meaning in them other than understanding. I couldn't experience any of these concepts without money, time, freedom or intelligence. All of which I am unfortunately bankrupt in. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Have you ever felt like crying to the point your eyes and face would feel like you would cry tears of blood if you didn't? But your pride suffocates your tears and drags them down into a deep dark place no one can ever see...
