I hate everything about you..why do I love you?!?!?!?!?
I went to the hospital today to get tests done on my heart. I am so scared and so uneasy. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to get something done to it. I'm afraid I'm going to die.
I got to school and right after 3rd period my heart starts racing and my vision gets blurry. I didn't think much of it until I encountered Stephen. He gave me our book and we talked a little. I got into 4th period and passed out on the desk. I came back awake within less than a minute and read what he wrote in our book. I guess Seth read our book and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and consequently, Stephen doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. My heart started going so crazy I almost passed out again. I told Mr. Bolstad and he walked me down to the office. I was freaking out, my hands were shaking, my heart was going so fast it felt like I ran a mile. I couldn't see straight, my heart was pounding in my ears like I had an entire drumline in my head.
It just figures that I would be second best. I'm so tired of this. I really thought Stephen was my friend. I was wrong. I'm always wrong. Does he care? No. Does anyone? No. I should have known better..but I loved him and trusted him. I guess that's not enough is it?? I GUESS I'M JUST NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.I can't even explain how I feel right now. I'm so scared about my heart, and the only person that comforted me - wants nothing to do with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I'm so confused, I'm so hurt and I don't know what to do anymore. I try so hard, and all I get is pain. I don't think life is worth living much longer if all I encounter is pain, suffering and rejection. I'm crying so hard right now..it's hard to type. Don't I deserve someone? Why can't I have someone care about me? Don't I deserve to have a friend that just gets me and won't abandon me? I suppose not. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so scared. I wish I had never met you Stephen..then I wouldn't be in so much pain. And the crazy thing is..I'd still forgive you in a second.
I'm on the bridge and looking down, and the rocks below are looking very inviting. Someone save me before I jump. Anyone. Because I guess no one else will. Nevermind, I don't want to be saved.
Listening : Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You
Reading : Kurt Cobain's Suicide Note
Mood : Numb |
