Im in what you call a lose lose situation. I find myself growing more and more attached to S------. It's not a very good place to be in right now. Not only is he my best friend's boyfriend, he's gay. But I can't help but feel like he'd be bi for me. It's just so horrible to be ignored. We get along so well. But I know that I know that I knownothing could ever happen between us. I don't know what is worse : being so far away from somebody and not being able to hold them like Janese and Adam; or have someone an inch away and know they you are the farthest thing from their mind. Im not trying to make anyone's life harder than it already is, but I just can't help these goddamn feelings. We write letters to eachother during school, and I know I can tell him anything. I seriously mean I could tell him I raped a child, and he would be like " was it good for you?". That was much more morbid than neccessary, but alas, it is already written. It's just such a fucked up situation. For God sake's I'm going to the prom with him! This is what I wanted from the moment I laid eyes upon him. He wrote in his blog about how he had admired my bestfriend from afar, and the whole time I was screaming inside my head, " I WAS ADMIRING YOU THE ENTIRE TIME." I don't know if Fuzz had an alterior motive when it came to HGG, but I almost kind of know that Fuzz was looking at the HGG in the hall, because he knew I liked him in a weird " I don't know who you are, but I think I might love you"way. I guess all I am trying to say is that my predicment sucks. It's getting harder and harder to breathe. And with S------, I can breathe easily. We get eachother. We have so much in common it's spooky, we even went to the same psychiatrist for God's sake. But oh no, can I have him? Of course not. Even if I could, I wouldn't. Even if he wasn't gay I still couldn't.
Oh who the hell am I kidding? I would do it. Because I am selffish bitch.
On Prom night I'm going to get stoned for the first time. S------ is going to teach me how to make a gravity bong, and I am going to teach him how to make a bong out of a single apple. How the hell I learned that is unbeknownst to me. Prom Night is going to be fun, hopefully. S------ and I will be going without Fuzz, so this should be interesting. Im a hoe when I'm drunk..and S------...well he's just a hoe all the time. Lord knows what is gonna happen. Oy Vei. |
