I am now a firm believer in not waking when you should be asleep. For some reason, these past few nights I have woken up way too early. I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30 and woke up at 2:30. It's now 5:04 and I'm still up. But what is it about waking up in the middle of the night and having heartburn, bad tastes in your mouth and getting the hiccups, all within twenty minutes of waking? I'm going to wait for the sun to come up, and I'll go lay down.
I 've been watching Sex and The City all the while I've been up. I haven't watched the show for long, but I understand why so many people like it. Perhaps it's the well written scripts and plots, or the sexual fumblings and comings( if it were..pardon the pun). Or both. But I really like the show. I find myself watching Carrie and the rest of the gang and just, just wanting a happy ending. Why do I so desperately want a happy ending? At 16, I should not be dreaming or wanting a relationship that would perhaps end in marriage or even contemplating having sex. But there in lies the problem..I do think about it. And I so desperately want it. Maybe seeing Carrie and Mr. Big just laying in bed and for once, there was no outer monolouge from Carrie. Just silence and serenity. Is that what I'm really searching for? But why I am I searching in the first place?
I went over to Kathleen's..tonight? Last night? What do you say at 5:14 in the morning? Six hours ago? I went over to Kathleens and Ralph, Kayla, Ashley W, and Alan were all over there. And for once in my life, I had never wanted to be so far away from my friends. What made me want to leave right after I had gotten there? I don't know. I think that the Valentine's Day blues had set in, and while Kathleen was with Alan, cuddling and laying down(all the while Kathleen was HEAVILY medicated due to back pain from the wreck), Ralph and Kayla friendly flirting but having no real meaning to it and soon to be leaving to a party. I had no one. Everyone else has at least one person who even really wanted to be with them that night. I didn't. And then my mind started racing those terrible thoughts I think too much, which eventually lead me to be entirely too depressed. Why is everyone else so happy?. Is it because I am too unknowing when it comes to relationships? Am I immature? Everyone else is skinner than I am..that's got to be the reason. I am too fat. Need to get thinner... More thoughts raced thru my head, but I don't feel like writing them, or rather typing them down. I found myself being alone, while Kathleen and Alan fell asleep and everyone else had gone home. I wanted something to ease the pain of being alone - again. I really wanted to go with Kayla and Ralph to the party. Anything intoxicating would have made me forget the pain that comes with aloneness. But I couldn't afford to be drunk, stoned or buzzed in the least, so I did the only thing I could do. Go home. |
