Got home in a bit of a hurry. In Kathleen's car we passed my dad, I had to hide in the front seat so he wouldn't see me. I got home, quickly took out my cigarette and searched frantically for a lighter. Went outside and because I was so tense I ended up breaking the cig in half. Being the intensely stressed one I am I sucked the 1/2 of the cig that was left, down. I really hope I'm not getting addicted to them or becoming dependent, because that would be horrific. But I have been in such a state lately it's horrible. I am so pissed off at Katie I can't see straight. But you know, fuck it. I'm not stressing about it.
I had a rather interesting conversation with somebody I never thought I would. It turns out Hans' best friend Micheal isn't just an intelligent neighborhood asian, and I suggest you go talk to yours. They have interesting things to say. I was talking to him about his CD's he had, Linkin Park - Meteora and Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head, and after I was done with my final and gave him a note, and this is how the rest of the conversation (on paper) went:
Me: What's your fav Coldplay song?
Micheal: Probably #10( A Rush Of Blood to the Head) but The Scientist will always hold a place in my heart :) Because it was like the Cosmos song :)
Me: I looove The Scientist, Sparks and of course R.O.B.T.T.H. I don't understand your 'Hope Sucks' Sign ( at that point he held up another piece of paper that said "HOPE SUCKS!")
Micheal: Ok, think about it. Whenever you know something bad it going to happen, you still HOPE that it's not. Just like in the SAT's, you hope you did good but that's not good enough. Hope always lets you down.
Me: It's not that the only thing that let's you down. That's for damn sure. Hope is like love, you just wonder if it's all going to turn out alright, to make it all better. But unlike love, hope doesn't crush your spirit.
Micheal: I agree that hope is like love, but I completely disagree that hope doesn't crush your spirits. You always have that pointless sliver of hope and when something goes wrong, that hope is what crushes you, sometimes more than love. Even love can be associated with hope, you can hope that someone loves you, but they may not...
Me: Well, I don't believe in hope much anymore. I don't care about much anymore either. Don't become like me, and lose your mind to apathy. Because I don't even have hope anymore. Never trust friends - trust betrayers, because you can always expect them to hurt you, not your friends. Ah, the words of a pessimistic, apathetic girl. Sad really. But true.
Micheal: That's just it. Even when you lose hope, it's still there. Like when I took the SAT's, I completely lost hope afterward, it it's still there. Hope can never be losy. If it could, it would either be wonderful or dreadful. Hope is there, it may be in your subconcience but it's there.
Me: My only hope is that there is something better out there. There isn't though. But it's nice to think there is. There's so much more to life then academics and it's not worth it to me to stress myself. It's pointless. But that's just me.
Micheal: You think it's better to think that there is something better out there, but I disagree. That is why hope sucks, I would rather KNOW that there wasn't then to hope that there was.
Me: If there is, it's going to be a big surprise to me.
Micheal: New Subject..Hope is too depressing.
Me: Everything's depressing. Well to a depressed person anyway/
Micheal: Don't be! ;) Have Hope :)
Me: I wish I could, but I've lost hope in it. Apathy - it's a killer.
Micheal: We don't need any existentialists here.
Me: I'm not an existentialist, because I don't think that the meaning of life is to live life. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the end justifys the means. But, if this is a God issue, I..I'm undecided in that matter. I've never had any proof, and I'd like to believe there is hope..I could debate about it forever and I'd still never have any proof so I just don't debate it anymore. I'm thinking that's not what you wanted to talk about though.
Micheal: I can't talk about this anymore..it's too depressing.
My new favorite, or one of them, is Charles Bukowski. Holy shit..that's creepy, I just learned that we share the same birthday too. Just another reason to further that Buddy loves me. He's the one who turned me onto Mr. Bukowski.
Listening : Give Up The Ghost - You and Me