Sorry for the lack of blogging, but it turns out this whole grounded thing prevents one from getting on the computer as much as one would like. For some reason, I don't feel like blogging, but I feel it is a neccessary part of my day now, kind of like brushing your teeth.
But to get into the nitty gritty of it all, I have seem to come down with a horrid case of apathy. I just don't care anymore. It seems everytime I try to do something and make it better, I just end up making it worse. I'm trying to improve my grades, I really am, but I see no improvement. I have given up on ever figuring out Chemistry, other than the grade it seems quite useless to me and causes me more frustration and that really shitty feeling of hopelessness that I don't need.
Mr. K said something interesting today, I doubt he ment to, but it just got me thinking. "It doesn't matter what I think when it comes to your grades, if you think you have learned and understood everything I have taught then it only matters to you and thats what counts. It doesn't matter what the hell I think." And as I said it got me thinking, really how wrong is he? The fact is, 90% of the people in that class wouldn't be in it if they had a choice, and no matter how well we think we know something you, the teacher, are in control of our grades. And in a way in control of our future. Even if I think I did as well as I could in Chemistry, if Mr. Erickson says, "Fail" on my test, guess what.. so does the University. It doesn't really matter what I think, you are in control of my grade, not me. Does this have any relevence to anything? No not really. It could serve as an existentialistic parabol to the meaning of life and such, but honestly this thinking is a messy buissness and I have much more to concern myself with..although what that is beats me.
I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a 'tiff' with Katie. I must be rather replacable to get rid of so quickly. Maybe I'm making this whole thing out to be a bigger deal than it is, and it's very possible and probable actually, but I just feel discarded by most, well all, of my friends. I'm not needed by them, and I really wish someone needed me. Maybe it would give me a purpose in life ( this is no way a cry to have a baby by the way.. NO NO NO.. no children for Kristyn I thank you..). It's just so frustrating..I feel so dispensable by all of my friends, no one needs me anymore. Amanda used to need me and I needed her. But of course that has all changed. I used to need Katie..but I seem to have been in rehab for quite awhile, in a manner of speaking. But the fact is, none of my friends would die if I were to move. None of them would really be all the sad that I left. Or even died for that matter. Maybe it's a sign from God..or whoever the hell is running this stuff, but maybe it's all a sign for me to move on with my life. Maybe moving to the O.C would change my life, like with Ryan. Although Ryan is fake, not real, where as I am..or at least I think I am.
Does anybody even read this? Not that it matters..
Listening : Bright Eyes - False Advertising |
Listening : Bright Eyes - False Advertising