hey Mr. God can you tell me what's
wrong
with my life
and all of its confusions?
why did he leave me with nothing to show
except for a shallow disillusion ?
'cause I can't seem to figure out
why you feel this way
and I guess I'm to blame.
If I told you that I didn't care about this place
would you think of me the same ?
could you please tell me why
could you please tell me why
could you please tell me why
why I can't ever find the answer to something
I will never understand
could you please tell me why?
I sit back thinking that there once was a time
a time where everything was perfect
it seems the things we shared were so far behind ,
behind but we're never getting closer
'cause I can feel your shadow hanging over me
and I'm just peering through the light
now I realized you never really cared for me
will I ever see
could you please tell me why
why I can't hold on to the person
that I tried so hard to find
could you please tell me why!?
I guess I kind of lied with yesterday's post. What I thought was a great comeback was nothing more than a mere gush of somewhat happiness..
I felt incredibly rotten today. Maybe it was the lack of sleep (I'll get into that later), or maybe it was the sheer fact that I was surrounded by people who didn't understand a thing I needed them to know. Candy, whom I share 2nd period with, wanted to see my journal that I keep while I am in school during you know, school hours. I told her that I really didn't want her reading it because I have really had quite the emotional troubles lately and I didn't want her to get
worried about something she couldn't understand. So in efforts to get her off my back, because let's face it, I hate 2nd period and I was already at my ends with it, I showed her one particular sentence in my journal that said,"P.S - The Laugh Knows." (Which if you don't know what that is about then you obviously haven't been reading THIS blog.) So she kind of put two and two together. She wanted me to open up to her, but I couldn't. I knew she would get overly worked up over my current mental state, and the last thing I need is a concerned friend. I felt pretty bad that I had to tell her straight up why I couldn't explain why I have been having such a hard time lately. But how can I talk about my feelings if even I don't understand them completely?
I had an amazing talk with Katie last night around 10:30 last night. We talked about how hard it is to watch everyone around us and watch them be completely happy with not understanding things. They are so easily persuaded, so easily quenched. My thirst for knowledge is very demanding, although I'm sure no one would ever guess that about me, but believe it or not I do..like I said, I don't like to be so damn obvious. I think, no I'm sure , that is why Church just doesn't do what it used to, if it even did anything before anyway. People can be told that there is more to life than life. That there is a God who is watching us, just waiting for us to come to him. But that just doesn't cut it for me. I need to UNDERSTAND. Church is a cure for other people's appetite for understanding. But I understand differently than others, and I don't understand
how people can be satisifed with just believing in a God, an almighty one at that, who doesn't do a damn thing to help people like me. But even if I had the chance to be like everybody else, would I really want to be like that? Maybe. Depending on my mood.
But let's get off that subject and get to something else. The reason why I hadn't gotten much sleep (I fell asleep at 4:00, woke up at 6:00) was for one, my mind was racing with many thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to shake them, they just kept comming back. I kept thinking about the movie Igby Goes Down, which if you haven't seen it I suggest you go see it PRONTO. I kept thinking how hard it must have been for Igby to have been Igby. My age, intelligent but didn't care. He had such a hard time accepting things for face value. I can relate so much it's scary. I can't really explain how the movie made me feel. But it definately one I am going to buy. Along with Donnie Darko. But another thought I kept having was, well about a certain someone. They know who they are. But I couldn't help but keep asking me why, why everything happened the way it had. Was it fate? Is there something I am missing, or is it just me. I guess a self narccissism/self hatred complex comming into effect on that one. I can tell you, after reading so MANY different Psych books, I can diagnose someone I don't even know from by the way they carry themselves. But certain people, escape my radar, and they are people just like me. The people who have so many things wrong with them, the ones who are alone and locked inside their heads. But back so my story, I guess you can A.D.D to the list of shit wrong with me. I started reading The Princess Diaries : Princess In Love trying to get myself tired and I did have some reading to catch up, but I ended up finishing 100 pages in less than an hour. At the end of the book, which has the most wonderful ending I just started bawling. I was crying all over the book and it was a mixture of happy and sad tears. I was so happy for Mia to finally have her Michael, but in the same token I was so sad, because I didn't have my own Micheal. At that particular moment I just wanted my soul mate to be there with me, my OWN Prince. But I don't think my Prince will ever come. But I wish he would - white horse optional. God, whoever, could you please send me my Prince? I'm so tired of being so alone, tired of being lonely. It's a mad
world and, all I want is a piece of something I can understand. "It's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Maybe it's a bit idealistic, because when has my reasoning ever been logical but no matter, I am going to wait for my Prince to come - even if he doesn't ever show up. I'll know it when he comes, if he ever does. I'll look into his eyes and see the better parts of me in him. And it will be the same for him. Here's to my prince - wherever you may or may not be.
Listening : Counting Crows - Colorblind
